Schwicky.net - Some perv jokes

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape.

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather . . .
kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One . . . Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with . . . the other is used to carry groceries.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

What do the letters DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q. What has four legs and an arm?
A. A happy pit-bull

Q. What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A. A robber snatches watches.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

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The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
be better."
Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"